a week ago, tg2, aka JD said he was crazy about me and wants me as his gf. Only took 3 months of his wishy washy crap. Now he’s been away some Thursday and contact hasn’t been great. He sucks at this! He’s got two weeks. Having lunch with tg2’s friend, Steve, and his little girl today. Steve is all for this relationship, loves me and thinks JD needs it, that he’s never had a girlfriend and doesn’t know what to do. We shall see. I don’t want to train THAT much!

found out last night stbe is the creepy guy at the bar, going from girl to girl trying to land one and touching them. my friends and i make fun of that guy. i can’t be married to or go back to that. that’s just sad.

nate and i ended. he flipped out because i wasn’t falling for him. said some of the nastiest, most hateful things to me. even brought my kids into it. i was right, the red flags weren’t because i’m emotionally broken. they were because he’s a sociopath. he went on and on for a week, saying hateful things before i snapped and retaliated. he didn’t realize i’m way better at that game than him. i win!

tg2 is in jail. doing his 15 days for his DUI. i had to hit up one of his friends to find out for sure. he was supposed to text me after court, and didn’t, so they had taken him in. he’ll be out a week from saturday.

reconnected with a guy i went on one date with previously. we are now having a very intense, casual, sexual relationship. he’s pretty amazing. i’m good with what is happening. who knows where it will go.

my children are now both grounded. i’m tired of the lack of respect. cell phones taken away. completely frustrated….. DONE!

Whoever it is you fall in love with for the first time, not just love but be in love with, is the one who will always make you angry, the one you can’t be logical about.
- Jeanette Winterson
Oh STBE, how I hate your fucking guts

tonight, Nate said 4 words i’m not ready to hear…. “i’m falling for you.” i told him i knew he was, he asked if there was any reciprocity. i answered honestly… “not right now. i like you, a lot, and you make me happy, but i’m still stuck in my past, you know this, it’s hard to have a future.”

maybe my honesty makes me mean to some of you, however i disagree. i’m HONEST! 

also, two nights ago, we talked. i told him i was worried he was falling for me. Nate said no, not until i fell first. I told him that wouldn’t be happening for quite some time, if i was even capable of falling in love again. fast forward to tonight, and he drops his bomb.

i was calm, didn’t freak or try to run away. (pats self on back) Nate’s whole demeanor changed once he got my reply. he denied anything was wrong, but it was blatantly obvious. honestly, it made me mad. i mean wtf?? i just told you 2 days ago i didn’t think i was capable of love… and you expected what answer?? am i wrong?

i feel like he’s childish now. maybe he’s not all that. maybe i should run the other way. if he can’t understand where i’m at, after all the times we have discussed my being broken and somewhat emotionally unavailable, then i don’t need him in my life.

My friends are here, we’ve been up all night talking. It’s 5:39 am, today is gonna hurt….

I left my man, to come back to my upset, crying friend, who is now passed out in my bed.
Could be having sex with my man. Instead, I’m in bed with a snoring chick. Yay Friday night!

life should come with a manual. or at least a guide to tell you what to do, who to do it with, and who and what to avoid. i have no clue where i’m going or what i’m doing. i’m so lost at times. for now, i just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that, at the end of the day, i’ll end up where I’m supposed to be, surrounded by the right people.

“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it’s when he ignores you and you still love him, it’s when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I’m happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”